Friday, January 27, 2012

Monica Kaufnutt interviews Newtnutt Gingrichnutt (Newt Gingrich). Illust: DAP Comment: AlFalaq.

Newt Gingrich:  A Modern Einstein

          If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.  That’s one of the primary rules for success, and I, for one, am all for it.  When there’s trouble ahead, you have to consider creative options; when things just flat-out fall into desperation, it’s time to step boldly onto the frontier and take a chance on something radical and inventive.  I think it’s no secret what I’m talking about here:  time travel.  Yep.  We’ve all seen it in movies or read about it in Sci-fi novels or comic books, but this is no fantasy I’m selling.  It’s time to wake up to the very real, exciting possibilities of letting go the bowstring and riding the Arrow of Time to a brighter, more perfect world.  The obvious intricacies of such a wildly obtuse notion preclude any chance of success if you’re going to go about it in any kind of half baked manner.  We’re gonna have to plan right, and execute even better.      
          So, beginning with the end in mind, we’ll need to start with the right cast of players.  Martin Scorsese, storied Hollywood film maker, once said that ninety percent of his job as a director was completed during casting.  Having the right people in place, he could proceed through the creative act of film making with relatively little worry.  I agree, and in this case, I need direct our attention to only the single most important member of our time-stepping venture: the Head Genius In Charge.  Without a doubt a project as ambitious as opening up a portal in Time and stepping through would require a veritable menagerie of eggheads, bookworms and lab wraiths to even get started.  But to bring it all together; to truly hatch a plan so crazy it just might work and save the world; we are going to need someone with other-worldly perceptions, a real genius.  Ladies and germs, I present to you Newt Gingrich.
          My nominee for HGIC has a proven record of bold thinking, unflinching devotion to his own views and a cavalier detachment from the mundane assumptions responsible for guiding most human activity in our society.  Only a forward thinker like this man could hope to bring to fruition the greatest forward thinking scheme envisioned in recorded history. 
          Let me qualify it for you, just in case you’re not yet on board.  As a senator, Newt Gingrich spearheaded exculpatory investigations into the extramarital affairs of an acting president, while he himself was engaged in extramarital relations.  Those are some Big, Brass Cojones, my friend.  You can’t be as bold as that with some fishing bobs tied to your rope.  No way.  Those are some good-ol’ Civil War cannonballs Newt’s got swaying in the breeze.  Like I said, bold without question.  That’s the kind of over zealous self righteousness it takes to forge a path into progress.  And Newt was once famously quoted as saying his first wife was not pretty enough to be wife to a US President, so you can see his standards are unimaginably high.  Imagine trying to send a whole nation into the past with anything less.  Can’t see it?  Me neither.  Now you’re starting to get the picture.  So now that you know the ideological underpinnings of my choice, let’s get on down to the basics of the situation; what it is and why it’s important. 
          If you look around you on any given day and take stock, you can see pretty clearly how badly we have managed to screw things up in a relatively short time.  Is the uncontrolled spiraling of an ever expanding, consumerism fueled hi-tech development frenzy to blame?  Are relaxed censorship guidelines at fault?  Is it rap music?  Whatever, it is now too late to run around slinging accusations.  We need progressive action to combat the aggressive approach of a future for which we are ill-prepared.  Time travel is our best, probably this late in the game our only, option.  We’ve got to get things straight now, before we blow our chance.  And Newt Gingrich is here, to show us the way.
          Let’s begin with the fundamental problems we’ve got to conquer:  One, the educational system in Georgia sucks.  Two, the economy all over the place sucks.  Look, we’ve tried to teach these kids and not leave any of ‘em behind, but it just isn’t working.  We’ve seen all the studies, done all the research, tried it in practice.  But you can’t argue with a bottom line conclusion:  The idea of teaching kids book stuff is a total, epic fail.  Kids don’t care about that stuff, and it totally costs tons of money to keep trying and trying.  Which, in a bad economy, is irresponsibly wasteful.  It’s coming clear for you, right?  No longer can we continue to leave the money faucet running with our dollars going right down the drain.  Education may be a big-ol’ fail, but we’ve still got options.  And Newt’s got a plan:  Let’s get all these unteachable kids and put ‘em to work.  It worked for our great-grandparents, right?  Math, reading, spelling, history, science; who needs to know all that crud when you can work a cotton gin or chop wood?  You don’t have to be able to use a computer to help out on the farm, right?  Leave all that brainiac stuff to other countries where they get off on that kind of thing.  We’re the U.S. of A., and we were built on back-breaking labor and the sweat of our brows.  Forget trying to get our youth ready to occupy the avant garde of the technology race.  Put some plowshares in those little hands.  Look backward in history with me, my friends, and imagine us all back in Little House on the Prairie days.  That’s how we’re gonna win this fight, and that’s Newt’s plan.  Send us back in time to the Good-ol’ days when children were expected to work, not learn, and poor me a whiskey in a spit-shined glass while you’re at it.
          Only a genius like Newt could break the rules of Time itself to Save Our World.  So put your votes in the ballot box for Newt Gingrich this fall and let’s make him president in 2012.  Let’s get on the bandwagon and come on, everybody:  Back to the Future!!

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